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The story of our precious little girl's 17 months of life with Trisomy 18 (July 4, 2010 - December 15, 2011) and of us, re-learning to live "after Lilly."
"I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made ...." Psalm 139:14

Thursday, May 14, 2015

My due date without a baby due

Though I'm loving all the new life around here with the chickens and goats, there is one baby I'd much rather see and hold.  My baby.  If I had not had a miscarriage last fall, I would be expecting my own baby any day - if I didn't already have it in my arms. 

I still haven't figured out how to properly put my loss of my wee baby in perspective.  If that's possible.  But it gives me great comfort knowing that my baby is with it's big sister Lilly and all is perfect.

I've learned that even though miscarriage occurs in something like 1 in 5 pregnancies (which makes it very very common), people do not like to talk about it.  At all. 

I wish I knew more about my baby.  Was it a boy or girl?  My baby does have a name, though.  It sounds silly I suppose, but I named it "Blueberry."  Why?  Because that was about the size of the baby when it died.

Recently when I was at the dentist, she asked how many children I had. I gave my usual answer, "Three with me and one in heaven."  Hunter was in the room with me.  He immediately corrected me, "No there are TWO in heaven."  Ouch.  I will answer different in the future.  Hunter talks about this baby sometimes saying how much he wished it could have been born. 

I wanted to have a little way to remember this baby like I do Lilly, but how?  All I know about it was that it existed, and today, May 14, was it's due date.  I thought about my friend Michelle that makes remembrance jewelry.  (And other beautiful jewelry.  See my sidebar to click to her shop or click this link for Six Sisters Beadworks.)  (Michelle had a baby boy, with Trisomy 18, that passed away right before birth.)

So I ordered a special necklace.  One that has two birthstone charms - an emerald for Blueberry and a ruby for Lilly.

I love it.  Just a little way for my baby not to be forgotten.

"13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them." - Psalm 139:13-16


  1. I love the necklace idea. Thinking of you today. <3

  2. Replies
    1. Our talk that day outside Mom Jenny's really helped me. Thanks again! Love you!

  3. No excuses, just facts.
    We don't know what to say. We didn't realize you were expecting. Things we do see are difficult to remember and things we don't see, well, pretty near impossible to remember.

    I love you and I see our flaws in this. I wish we knew HOW to be better. And you posting about it does help us to think, remember, and hopefully be more feeling and try harder to understand walking in your shoes.


    1. I totally understand! I feel grateful for what I've learned by personally experiencing this. Hopefully I can use that to help others in some small way. It seems for so many things, we have to experience it personally to really understand.
      But it IS hard. Because grief is so personal, it can be hard to know how to reach out to others. For me, I've learned to simply say "I'm sorry." Then try and figure out from their response how/if to go further.
      So I guess I'm not really a big help after all. :(


  4. What a beautiful post! I am truly sorry for your loss and the jewlrey is such a beautiful way to remember your babies. I too, have babies in heaven....three of them, and I miss them all and often wonder who they would have become. It is a blessing to know each of them is whole and perfect, safe in the arms of the only perfect parent. Like you, I look forward to meeting them some day. ❤️🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
    Sent from my iPhone

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Jana. I'm so sorry for your 3 losses! But it is such a comfort to know they are all together and waiting for you, their mama. Isn't it?

  5. That's lovely, Lisa. I bought birthday bears for mine. I was so afraid of forgetting the months in which they were to be born. I don't have them out anywhere, but I'm glad I have them to remind me.

    1. Oh Megan - I LOVE your idea of birthday bears. That is really special. Thanks so much for sharing!

  6. I would have been due this July. I have a seashore butterfly picture from Carly Marie, the woman who does memorial pictures for babies and children we've lost. (She has some on her website that she'll personalize with a name or a heart, and I bought one of those.) I'm going to frame it with either this quote from her website: " "Sometimes miracles arrive so tiny that we cannot feel the weight of them, and yet we are still changed and we are blessed none the less."~ Anonymous or a quote from the Velveteen Rabbit, "once you become real, you can't become unreal. It lasts for always." I think as we talk about and memorialize the babies we didn't get to feel move or bring home from the hospital, maybe it will become easier for others to open up.

    I also found out that the baby I told you about on your mother's day post has a heartbeat (the upside of fainting and spending 12 hours in the ER yesterday!) I'm only six weeks so there are still many things that can go wrong, but after the last one never developed at all it's still comforting to know that's not happening with this one.

    1. I have several of the seashore pictures from Carly Marie and love them. I have them framed. One I had made into blank notecards. I just finished reading The Velveteen Rabbit to Hunter - I love that quote! I will have to think of incorporating it into something.
      Yes - when we talk about it that may help others. I've also noticed that maybe it is a generational thing to not acknowledge it too.
      That is SO exciting you found out about the heartbeat. Very encouraging.
      I hope you are feeling better now - thanks for your comment!