Pray For Lilly: Angelversary

Showing posts with label Angelversary. Show all posts

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Lilly's 6th Angelversary

Dearest Lilly,

I was so glad to get to bring your Christmas tree Friday. December 15th ... your Angelversary. The events of that day in 2011 forever burned into my mind.

Your old Christmas tree had finally fallen apart. Mom Jenny gave me this artificial tree branch and I picked out some ornaments at Walmart to put on it. I think it turned out nice. Red white and blue - for my July 4th baby! I really liked how the red glittery bows sparkled in the sunshine. Beautiful! Though not as beautiful as you of course.

Do you like your new cherub? It was time to replace your original one. It was cracked badly and parts were gone. It is not easy picking out a new cherub! I looked on Amazon and the choices were overwhelming! I felt so frustrated because I wanted you to have the perfect one. Just when I felt like giving up, I saw it! I just knew that was THE ONE!

I did notice the cherub isn't quite as heavy as your original one though, so I hope it stays put OK. I brought your old one home to put in your memorial garden. (Which is colorful with pansies for the winter.)

As usual I'm anxious to hurry and get through December. I'm looking forward to the new year and what always feels like a fresh start January 1st. So many things in life have spiraled out of control since you died. But we're picking up the pieces and healing. It sure can be a slow, confusing journey. But I am blessed to have HOPE.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Love always,

Mama

Sunday, December 18, 2016

To my dear Lilly girl

To my dearest Lilly,

Your brothers and I were talking at dinner tonight - wondering whether or not you ever get to peek down on us on earth. If you do, then you know why I didn't write to you last Thursday. On your 5th "angelversary."

I'm not going to mislead you Lilly. This year has been hard. REALLY hard. Hunter says it's been our worst year since you died. Maybe you know what's going on. But if not, I don't want to tell you and give you sadness because remember - "NO tears in heaven!" It will be OK though. I have the two most important things in life: Jesus and Hope.

Last Monday I was coming home from an evening appointment and the alternator in the little old car I was driving died. It was so dark outside but thankfully I finally made it home safely. When I got home I found that my 5 month old laptop had died. Your Uncle Patrick looked at it for me but there wasn't a quick fix. And your sister had 6 appointments last week so I didn't have time to follow up on warranty stuff yet. And that is why I didn't blog on your Angelversary.

Here I am now though. I gave in and bought another laptop - at a fantastic price. Figure the way my luck runs with computers, it's great to have backup.

It was a bit weird in a way, that December 15 was on a Thursday this year. Just like 2011 - the year you died. This was the first time and well, it just was sort of unsettling. I will always remember starting to pick you up from your nap that evening, and finding you dead. Something so horrific for me yet such a blessing for you. How can something be so contradictory?

Sister hugs - last time I took pictures of you alive

And I am thankful, that most of the time, I only have good memories of you. Of your smile, of how you loved to talk to us - and to ceiling fans! Of your curiosity whenever we went anywhere. Of how you liked to watch Tabby and Hunter. Of how much you loved working hard in your therapy sessions. Of how you liked chocolate! And playing with dried beans. Of the time when you pushed and scooted across the floor. Of how you were almost able to sit up on your own. Of how, on the day you died, you had such a good day!

The boys and I were talking about a bunch of the pictures on your photo collage tonight at dinner. It's the one I made for your viewing and funeral. I love that we have it in the dining room and we can look at it. Solomon is fascinated with hearing about you and likes to ask questions about you. Hunter was pointing out all the photos he was in with you. Lilly - he still likes machines! Remember how fascinated he was by all your medical equipment? He was only 2 and 3 years old then but he understood how to run them!

This just made Hunter and I laugh - here he is with Sam hooked up to a pulse ox that looked similar to yours!

On the 15th your siblings and I went out together. Because of Tabby's health situation I didn't want to go to your grave. You understand. We went to the store and bought pansies to put in your little memorial garden we have here. Pansies. I know. I have expanded my flower choices for you. At first I would only allow lilies in your garden. But then I realized it would look prettier and be more honoring of you to have pretty flowers in their all year long. So you now have pansies. Then in the late winter you will have daffodils popping up. Pretty! Though not as pretty as you were!

Mommy loves you forever Lilly, and one day I will see you again! Until then, the Lord will continue to be with us both. Give Blueberry a hug for me Lilly. I'm glad you two have each other.

All my love,
Mamma

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

"The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." - Psalm 147:11

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The ocean of grief

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

I received the above quote in a recent card from the SOFT Bereavement Committee. I just keep thinking about how true that quote is.

Tabby found this picture of Lilly this morning, reminding me how cute she was!

Today marks 4 years since Lilly passed away. I'm in tumultuous waves. I'm sitting here typing and feeling like I can barely breathe. My whole body aches. My inside is so tense even my teeth ache. My mind is working so hard to try and keep away the images of Lilly when I found her dead and focus instead on how good her day was until then. I wish I could just have a good cry because maybe I would feel better. But my tears don't work properly.

But soon - I'll be ok again and breathing normally and remembering Lilly with a smile. The water will be calm again.

There's just something about "The Angelversary." It's harder in a different way than the other days, including Lilly's birthday. I dread it. The farther we get into December the more I dread and even fear it. Then it is here. And, usually reflecting on the day after it passes, it's not as bad as I fear it will be.

Because we didn't go to her grave today, as we had in the past, I decided the boys and I would do a little donation project in Lilly's name. Since it is Lilly's 4th Angelversary, we put together 4 "health kits" to donate to MAMA Project. (A group that works with the poor in Honduras.)

Yesterday we sewed Lilly-colored bags to put the things in. The boys both helped with the sewing machine - Hunter handled the foot pedal and Solomon the presser foot while I guided the material:

The boys were so fascinated how the drawstring bags turned out that they begged me to sew them some. Honestly I was a little irritated because I didn't want to cut fabric and sew any more bags. But they were so very excited - and thankful for their bags - that it was worth it.

My mom sent me some money for my "Lilly Memorial Fund" and I used that today to buy the items needed for the health kits. When we got home, Hunter divided everything up and then stuffed each bag:

I'll mail those off this week, along with a nice collection of small stuffed animals that each my kids gave up.

I made a mistake at the store this morning. I decided it would be fun to combine the boys Christmas shopping for other family members with our shopping for the donation items. Never again! The greed of getting and wanting things for Christmas quickly overpowered the sweetness of buying things for others in Lilly's name.

When we got home, I found a flower delivery from my dad and step-mom. I look forward to all the beautiful lilies opening soon:

Last week I received this sweet framed picture of Lilly - embellished with lilies! - from the mom of a young woman that lived 19 years (!!) with Trisomy 18:

I smile every time I walk by the picture.

A.K., a co-worker of Frank, sent me this cute Lilly-colored angel potholder:

She's always been so thoughtful to consistently remember us and Lilly.

When I opened my inbox this morning, I had a sweet e-mail from my friend H.B. who wanted me to know she was thinking of Lilly and I.

As I reflect on these things - the kindness and generosity of others - it makes me feel better. It really does. That coupled with writing this post. (Writing has always been incredibly therapeutic for me.) I am even breathing easier now. Thank you God!

"He has carried our sorrows." - Isaiah 53:4

Solomon added some humor to my day - running around wrapped in a Cars sheet that Tabby made him when he was a baby:

For Lilly's angel ornament this year, I got her the soft pink angel bunny - in the top right of her tree (angel theme, of course, this month):

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted ..." - Psalm 34:18

My very last picture I took of Lilly - the day before she died:

sweet sisters

Tonight we will have Angel food with Cool Whip and strawberries and blueberries (gotta make the topping red/white/blue!). I don't want to celebrate Lilly's death. But I will celebrate her life.

See you again one day, my Lilly!

Monday, December 15, 2014

Sweet Lilly's 3rd Angelversary

Hunter, Lilly, Tabby - our Christmas card photo - Dec. 2011

I guess time heals somewhat, but anniversaries still hurt. Indeed the emotions seem to intensify on those days. Today marked 3 years that Lilly passed away from this earth. At her grave today, I didn't drop to the ground crying like I did on her first "angelversary." But my heart still feels all ripped up. Why does dealing with the death of loved ones - which is a normal part of life - just plain suck?

Yesterday I put together this memorial for Lilly on our living room mantel. (It still needs some tweaking.)

Thank you to everyone that sent cards, emails, Facebook messages, and prayers our way today. I am so grateful. Thanks Mom for sending money for the Lilly Memorial Project. I need to think of some new ideas to bless others with in Lilly's name.

Thank you to the Megan's mama who sent me this beautiful, two-sided Lilly ornament:

(Megan lived about 18 years with full Trisomy 18!)

Flowers from my dad and stepmom - notice the lilies!:

There is much on my mind yet it feels I am forcing every word I type here. So I will put in some photos of Lilly, all taken in her last month of life (December 2011). It's amazing how cute and chunky she got, considering how small and scrawny she started out. And how much personality she had. :)