Ways to include your angel child in the Christmas season

Finding ways to remember Lilly during the Christmas holiday season is very important to me.  It is healing and I just don't want her forgotten.  I must still have a lot of healing to do at this time of the year though, because honestly I really wish we could just skip the whole month of December.  (I'm not sure if this is strictly due to Lilly's death on December 15, 2011 - or if it's other things too.)  But because we have three kids here, I fight my desire to be Scrooge and dig in. 

Photo used on our 2012 Christmas Card (photo credit: Steve Rubin)
Solomon, Tabby, Hunter, LillyBear, Sam the dog

We send annual Christmas cards, and I always include Lilly in the card in some way.  It just feels wrong not to, as she will always be a part of this family, even if she is living in heaven!  The above photo was the one I used on a Christmas card the first year after Lilly's death.  The kids are all wearing Lilly-colored hats and Hunter is holding LillyBear - all in honor of Lilly.  In our signature line, I always have our names printed like this:  Frank, Lisa, Tabby, Hunter, <Lilly>, Solomon.  In this year's card, I used a collage of several pictures of our kids from the year.  I included Lilly by using this photo of Solomon holding her picture:

Another annual tradition I have is to buy each of my children a Christmas tree ornament.  The ornament usually reflects something of interest from that year.  (One day, when the children move out, they will take their collection with them and have a nice start to their own tree.)  I still include Lilly in this, by getting her a different angel-type ornament each year.  For the first year it goes on our family tree:

Lily-of-the-Valley Flower Fairy

Then the next year, it goes on Lilly's tree.  The theme for Lilly's tree in December is angels:

Lilly also has her own Christmas stockings, that are hung up with the rest of the family's.  We have our "originals" that we fill.  Lilly's is an angel stocking:

We also have our really fancy, handmade stockings, that I hang on our staircase.  These were given to us by A.S., a kind woman I met through this blog:

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is a group that provides free remembrance photography to families losing a baby.  Their December 2012 e-newsletter had this list of suggestions of ways to honor angel children (or anyone who has passed away):

• Ornament with you baby's name
• Light candles decorated for your baby
• Special decorations at the headstone
• Decorate a special tree
• Make a gift for your baby
• Make a snow globe
• Make a reindeer or something else with the baby's footprints
• Use a special bear or similar stuffed toy given when you lost your baby as a tree topper
• Buy a present for your baby, wrap it and then unwrap it on Christmas and add to the baby's memory box
• Include your baby's name in your Christmas cards
• Buy a small potted Christmas tree.  After Christmas, plant it somewhere
• Tell the story of your baby to your family
• Buy presents for your living children that are from your baby (their sibling).
• Take pictures of the special gifts and mementos and add to a photo album to remember what you did each year
• Donate preemie clothing to a hospital for other preemies
• Make small decorations for all the babies buried near your baby
• Buy a toy or gift for a child who is in need.  You can buy a gift for a child the same age as your baby would be
• Give a small decoration for all the babies buried near your baby
• Encourage others to do a random act of kindness in honor of your baby.  Ask them to write it down and put it in your baby's stocking.  On Christmas morning read all the acts of kindness done in honor of your baby.
• Give to a nonprofit, such as NILMDTS in the baby's name 

I especially like the things done for others, in honor of your baby, that are in the above list.  I'd like to incorporate one or two of them into our December next year.

Another tradition we have is that on December 15, Lilly's "angelversary", we take a little Christmas tree to her grave.  In honor of her July 4th birthday, it is a red/white/blue tree.  The tree stays at her grave (staked down) until after Christmas:

Here are two other ways I involve Lilly in our Christmas decor.  Clive, our Elf on the Shelf, hid in Lilly's stocking, and he hid amongst her mantel memorial:

And LillyBear wears a Santa hat:

The Trisomy 18 online community has been a huge blessing to me.  Both when Lilly was alive and even now, afterwards.  I love how we remember each other's little ones.  The mama of Jordan, a little girl that lived 3 days with Trisomy 18, recently sent me this adorable fairy ornament and the picture of the New River Gorge Bridge (in West Virginia), to remember Lilly:

There's so many more ideas out there and I think that in general, including memories of your loved one during the holidays is a good thing.  Because you probably will be thinking of them anyway, so try and make the memories positive.

Photos from Christmas Day 2010 - Lilly's one Christmas here on earth:

"Santa can wait ... I need my nap!"

"See - my ever clenched fists are great for holding things!"

If you do things to honor your child during Christmas, I would love to hear what sort of things you do.

Memory Ideas and Lyme Disease

Lilly's garden is looking beautiful!  Most of the "sugar love carpet lilies" are blooming:

This week, I came across a couple memory ideas.  One is for the children of fallen soldiers.  A woman makes teddy bears from soldiers uniforms, for the dead soldiers children.  She started this project after losing her son to enemy fire in Afghanistan.  You can read about her work and see some sweet pictures in this article:  "She Makes Teddy Bears From The Uniforms Of Fallen Soldiers To Help Their Families Heal."  Then in our electric co-op magazine, I read about a woman that makes all sorts of things from the garments of someone that passed away, such as bears made from blankets, pillows from neckties, Christmas stockings, luggage tags, laptop bags, aprons, purses, etc.  (See some before and afters here.)  Her website is Memory Lane Boutique.

I so appreciate people that make things like this.  I know how much I love our LillyBear!

Frank came home from work Friday with box of guinea keets.  They are not quite 2 weeks old:

Sleeping - exhausted from the car ride!

Guinea keet

Don't squish the little guinea, Solomon!

So what are guineas good for?  Apparently they are good protectors.  They protect flocks from hawks, dogs, cats, snakes, foxes, etc.  They're not super strong, but they are supposed to be LOUD.  Good for scaring away creatures that want our hens.  They are awesome for eating ticks!  And we happen to live in Chatham County, which is full of ticks this time of year.  So once the guineas are big enough, we are going to put part of the flock in with our goats (ticks love the goats unfortunately) and the rest can roam with our chickens, and be their body guards.

Speaking of our goats, I heard a bunch of thumping and bumping in our chicken coop the other day, and some angry chicken squawking.  I peeked in and much to my surprise found our three goats were busy eating chicken feed.

So I asked ... who let the goats out??  (mehhh mehhh mehhh!)

Pippi, Cloves, Christa

The answer was Hunter.  And it was an accident.

Christa looked ridiculous from this view - I still can't believe the goats got through the coops little door.

Early this spring I made an herbal bug/tick spray for the kids and I to use.  (Frank prefers the chemical laden store stuff.  But the red bugs in particular like him so much, I can't really blame him.)  Anyway, the stuff I made works fine for the rest of us.  But we don't often bother using it unless we're going to be in the woods for awhile.  Guess we're just lazy.

I do think about Lyme disease sometimes though, and pray we don't get it.  I was very interested to read recently that Shoshanna from Bulk Herb Store (I buy herbs and get lots of herbal recipes there)  and her son Jeremiah both had gotten Lyme disease last year.  Jeremiah also had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Shoshanna has been writing about their experiences in trying to get help, her bad reactions from medications, and how she finally helped herself and Jeremiah heal from her own blends of herbs.

People who get Lyme disease are usually put on many rounds of antibiotics to try and cure them.  It can take a long time and antibiotics can have bad side effects.  But it seems Shoshanna has had good results with what she came up with.  You can read her story here and more specifics about the treatment she created here.  She plans to go around the country speaking about her "Journey Back to Health."

A Lilly memorial video by her big sister

Tabby created this video of Lilly on Shutterfly.  The music really adds a sweet touch.

Today is January 4th.  When Lilly was alive, we celebrated every month she lived on the 4th of each month.  We continued to do so after she passed away.  My husband wears his Lilly colored tie to work.  At home the kids and I decorate Lilly's memorial tree.  This month marks one year since we've been decorating her tree, each month with a different theme.  January is angel month so I brought down the box of angel ornaments from last year.  We have some new additions this year - ornaments we received since last January.  I am anxious to put them all up tonight.  For some reason I am finding it very comforting to be done with the first year after Lilly and to once again get these ornaments out.  It's hard to explain but it's nice to feel comfort in surprising places.

"For it is written: 'He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;" - Luke 4:10

LillyBear's house tour

LillyBear riding up for her house tour with Hunter.  (Hunter saved and saved and saved to buy his tractor himself):

I have been surprised at the number of angel moms that have shared that they have received negative comments about how they keep their angel children in their life.  For example, criticisms in having a lot of pictures of the angel child in the home, mementos of the angel child, frequently talking about them, family celebrations of the angel child's birthday and death day, etc.  Of course the people that are making those types of critical comments, which by the way hurt the moms dreadfully, think they are being helpful.  (I suppose.  Maybe they're just really uncomfortable.)  They seem to think that if those moms will just put all those reminders away then they will heal and life will go back to "normal."

Well that won't ever happen.  Those that have not lost children simply don't understand.  We don't fault them for that.  But I do hope to help my readers understand that they should never make negative comments to those of us that are doing our best to cope with loss.  We all do so in our own way and express it differently.

We are now settled into our new home.  (It feels funny saying that since the home is 102 years old!)  I thought about the above as I decorated.  I put "touches of Lilly" in almost every room.  Even the coat closet has her little pink fleece jacket she wore during her last few months.  Why did I do this?  It helps us feel closer to Lilly.  We see each other every day.  We all like seeing Lilly around the house too.  She is an important part of our family and always will be.

Now that I've shared that, LillyBear asked me to post pictures of her showing many of those "touches of Lilly" around our house.  :)  So here goes!

The outside of our Lilly Colored Farmhouse (it's actually red white and blue!):

Tabby dug up Lilly's birthday tree from our other house and replanted it on the side of our house.  (She also has replanted the Easter lilies.  We'll replant Lilly's memorial garden this spring:

For some reason, I've always thought it would be neat to have a church pew in our house.  My mother-in-law gave us this wonderful red pew.  Lilly's special quilt is on the back and her scale is underneath:

Near the pew, I have an old pie safe, also from my mother-in-law.  On top are special boxes with cards from friends in the Trisomy world.  I used one of the cherub statues at Lilly's viewing and funeral.  Hanging on the wall are special Lilly pictures from another Trisomy angel mom and from CarlyMarie:

Here's LillyBear sliding down the banister by Lilly's bunting (it says "In Memory of Lilly):

Our living room has Lilly pictures, of her alone and with us.  All the dried flowers are flowers we received when she died:

In the dining room, my special Lilly and Jesus picture is hanging over the piano.   I need to get flowers for the red clear and blue bottle vases:

Bookshelf by the piano:

This fireplace is also in our dining room.  We've got Lilly's memorial tree on the hearth, and her collage we made for her viewing and funeral on the wall over the mantel.  Lilly's crazy sock monkey on one side, the angel doll Tabby made me on the other with the r-w-b candles.  (Sock monkey needs something else by him but I haven't decided what yet):

In the kitchen, on the window sill is a jar of Lilly's therapy beans and the flag from her 1st birthday cake on the window:

Lilly's VitaMix is on the counter (I wrote her name one it!):

We have a hallway that is a bit wider than usual.  We dubbed it the Lilly Hall.  I want to paint the walls the vintage kind of green I like and maybe stencil lily of the valley flowers on a few places.  We have Lilly's scripture picture up that my friend K drew for us right after Lilly passed away, and my bag of Lilly's folders and memorial project ideas underneath:

Finally, in our bedroom we have a Lilly corner.  I have some Lilly memorabilia on my dresser and Lilly's dresses hanging on the wall.  Hanging in the corner over them is a beautiful light that Lilly and I just loved.  She loved to stare at it.  We just had to bring it with us, even though it's not hooked up to electricity right now:

The pole that held Lilly's feeding pump is now where I hang my diaper bag, Lilly's insulated food bag, and Solomon's sweater:

My husband has Lilly's funeral program and some letters "from" Lilly hanging up:

Under my nightstand is a Lilly colored basket which has the last outfit Lilly ever wore (her sock monkey pjs) and the blankets that were on her bed the last time she ever slept in it.  Unwashed of course:

Finally, here is Solomon and LillyBear in Lilly's old bed:

So what do you think - are we crazy people for having so many Lilly things up?  No we're not.  We're just a family that loves our Lilly and loves to talk about her and remember her. 

And yes - I have pictures up of all my other children too.  :)

What do a cupcake, rock, and tiny knitted hat have in common?

In the Trisomy angel world, we families have a special bond.  Part of that is including each other's angel children in celebrations and in other ways.  Frequently this is done through balloon releases.  I continue to be amazed at the creativity of some families!

This adorable Lilly cupcake was made by Mia's mom.  If I recall correctly, she had about 70 cupcakes representing other Trisomy angel's at a birthday/memory celebration for her angel Mia. I think Lilly's mouse is just too cute!  (The mice were made out of fondant icing.)


The family of angel Dominic is making a memory rock garden for their son.  They are adding the names of other angels on rocks in his garden.  You can see Lilly's rock in the lower right area of the photo.  I thought this was another really creative idea.

It is such a heartwarming feeling for us when someone acknowledges our angel children.  One mom said that just hearing her son's name made her feel so good.  So I appreciate being able to be a part of the Trisomy angel community.  Of course we all wish we still had our special children, but since we don't, it is good to have each other for support when we need it. If you are in need of support I encourage you to reach out!

A Trisomy mom posted a link to a website called Recover From Grief.  (http://www.recover-from-grief.com/)  I've only had a few minutes to check out their website, but see they have a lot of good ideas and resources on it.


One more special thing I wanted to share today is this adorable tiny little Kaia Angel Hat ornament.  I received it from Kaia's mom along with a beautiful card.  I printed out my favorite picture of Kaia to keep tucked into the card.  (I have a box of cards from other Trisomy families.)  I am going to hang the little ornament hat on Lilly's memorial tree.

I know that it helps in the grief process to both give and receive things. 

I hope that today's post isn't even relevant to most of you reading this.  But I like to continue to post on memory ideas because it is very helpful to some - including my own family.  I appreciate those of you who have referred people specifically to this blog to check out these ideas.  We all grieve differently, but hopefully people can find an idea or two that will help them.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Grow in wisdom

We were thrilled to pick up my very special birthday gift at the frame shop yesterday.  I had missed not having it in the house for the past few weeks!  Here it is, simply beautiful:

Here is a close up of the beautiful detailing on the frame:

I have declared this Lilly and Jesus picture is an official family heirloom.  And probably the second most expensive thing we own!  I told everyone that if the house ever catches fire to try and save this picture!

On a different topic, I have long admired a way a friend keeps record of her children's physical growth.  So I decided to copy her idea.  My husband painted an extra board white we had for me.  At the top of the board, I wrote in black marker:  "Grow in wisdom" which is a reference to this scripture:

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." - Luke 2:52

Then I took a tape measure and marker and marked off each inch, starting at 18 inches for our smallest baby (Lilly). 

 

I had all three of our children's height records from birth, and wrote those on the board with pen.  (A different color for each child.)

Now I have a permanent height record that can be easily moved to any house we move to.  :)

I have to admit I felt rather sad when finishing this board though.  It was fun measuring T. and H. today and marking their heights.  But sad to know that I am forever finished marking Lilly's height.  There is just something about it that doesn't seem right.

Guess I better go look at my Lilly and Jesus picture for comfort, reminding myself that Lilly is now happy beyond measure and is perfect.

Beautiful books

Last month, I received a beautiful book in the mail from Caleb's mom, called Far Flutterby (by Karen Kingsbury).  It is the story of a plain little caterpillar named Cody who lives in a plain land called Better-than-Brown.  He finds life is boring and yearns for something better, with more meaning. 

Then he learns of a wonderful place called Far Flutterby, and that God has an amazing plan for him.  Cody carries on through hard times, filled with this hope, until it's finally his time to transform into a beautiful butterfly and go to that beautiful land.

2nd picture:  Inside the book I taped in a picture of Caleb and his mommy.  Caleb lived from 3/20/09 - 8/29/11 with full Trisomy 18.  H. likes to tell Caleb "hello" whenever he sees his picture.  Then he wonders if Caleb lives near Lilly in heaven.

The message of Far Flutterby is wonderful and comforting.  I often end up with tears in my eyes thinking of Lilly, and Caleb, and the other children that have gone on to "Far Flutterby."  My son H. loves hearing this book over and over.  And we are happy to read it to him.  I think it is a wonderful gift book for anyone that has lost a child, or any loved one.

Another book that I really like, even though it always makes me cry (especially because of now being pregnant with our Rainbow Baby), is The Angel with the Golden Glow by Elissa Al-Chokhachy.  This book is based on a true story of a family who's first child was born with a "rare genetic neurological disorder."  It is the story of an angel being sent from heaven to be born into a family.  The family knows that baby won't be with them long and were sad.  The Angel with the Golden Glow doesn't understand why - he knows he was specially chosen and created special.  So he shined his "halo" brightly to cheer his parents up and fill them with love.  Finally he is gently taken back to heaven.  The family later receives comfort in the form of a new baby.  The new angel that had been created for them was called "The Angel with the Tender Heart."  This too is a wonderful gift book, though probably best for "Rainbow families."

Lilly's memorial garden has a couple of new beautiful blooms this week:

My aunt sent the craziest pair of flamingos I have ever seen, in memory of Lilly's birthday:

T. and I tend to name things after the people that gave them to us.  We're debating between the names of my aunt and uncle.  Or, after the large dog statutes flanking both sides of their porch:  Scarlett and Rhett. 

Finally here is a digital scrapbook page that T. made, featuring Lilly with her "boxing gloves."  (The "boxing gloves" were little hand splints to train her hands to open better.  It is very common for children with Trisomy 18 to clench their hands.  You can see my post about when Lilly first got her splints here.)

Don't forget - you can buy the My Memories Suite digitial software program and get $10 off by using the discount code that I have at the top right column of this blog.