The ocean of grief

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

I received the above quote in a recent card from the SOFT Bereavement Committee.   I just keep thinking about how true that quote is.

Tabby found this picture of Lilly this morning, reminding me how cute she was!

Today marks 4 years since Lilly passed away.  I'm in tumultuous waves.  I'm sitting here typing and feeling like I can barely breathe.  My whole body aches.  My inside is so tense even my teeth ache.  My mind is working so hard to try and keep away the images of Lilly when I found her dead and focus instead on how good her day was until then.  I wish I could just have a good cry because maybe I would feel better.  But my tears don't work properly. 

But soon - I'll be ok again and breathing normally and remembering Lilly with a smile.  The water will be calm again.

There's just something about "The Angelversary."  It's harder in a different way than the other days, including Lilly's birthday.  I dread it.  The farther we get into December the more I dread and even fear it.  Then it is here.  And, usually reflecting on the day after it passes, it's not as bad as I fear it will be.
 

Because we didn't go to her grave today, as we had in the past, I decided the boys and I would do a little donation project in Lilly's name.  Since it is Lilly's 4th Angelversary, we put together 4 "health kits" to donate to MAMA Project.  (A group that works with the poor in Honduras.) 

Yesterday we sewed Lilly-colored bags to put the things in.  The boys both helped with the sewing machine - Hunter handled the foot pedal and Solomon the presser foot while I guided the material:

The boys were so fascinated how the drawstring bags turned out that they begged me to sew them some.  Honestly I was a little irritated because I didn't want to cut fabric and sew any more bags.  But they were so very excited - and thankful for their bags - that it was worth it.

My mom sent me some money for my "Lilly Memorial Fund" and I used that today to buy the items needed for the health kits.  When we got home, Hunter divided everything up and then stuffed each bag:

I'll mail those off this week, along with a nice collection of small stuffed animals that each my kids gave up. 

I made a mistake at the store this morning.  I decided it would be fun to combine the boys Christmas shopping for other family members with our shopping for the donation items.  Never again!  The greed of getting and wanting things for Christmas quickly overpowered the sweetness of buying things for others in Lilly's name.

When we got home, I found a flower delivery from my dad and step-mom.  I look forward to all the beautiful lilies opening soon:

Last week I received this sweet framed picture of Lilly - embellished with lilies! - from the mom of a young woman that lived 19 years (!!) with Trisomy 18:

I smile every time I walk by the picture.

A.K., a co-worker of Frank, sent me this cute Lilly-colored angel potholder:

She's always been so thoughtful to consistently remember us and Lilly.

When I opened my inbox this morning, I had a sweet e-mail from my friend H.B. who wanted me to know she was thinking of Lilly and I.

As I reflect on these things - the kindness and generosity of others - it makes me feel better.  It really does.  That coupled with writing this post.  (Writing has always been incredibly therapeutic for me.)  I am even breathing easier now.  Thank you God!

"He has carried our sorrows." - Isaiah 53:4

Solomon added some humor to my day - running around wrapped in a Cars sheet that Tabby made him when he was a baby:

For Lilly's angel ornament this year, I got her the soft pink angel bunny - in the top right of her tree (angel theme, of course, this month):

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted ..." - Psalm 34:18

My very last picture I took of Lilly - the day before she died:

sweet sisters

Tonight we will have Angel food with Cool Whip and strawberries and blueberries (gotta make the topping red/white/blue!).  I don't want to celebrate Lilly's death.  But I will celebrate her life.

See you again one day, my Lilly!

The book list - November + Facebook fraud

Earlier this week, another Trisomy mom contacted me to ask if a particular Facebook page was mine.  I clicked on it and stared at it in surprise.  It had my first and last name, and pictures of Lilly!  It said I "worked" at the "Trisomy 18 Foundation."  WHAT??  I messaged my friend back and told her that was NOT me. 

First - I don't use my regular name on Facebook.  Second - I have no idea who dared to use pictures of my child without permission!  Ugh.

We both reported it to Facebook and Facebook responded that they reviewed the case but didn't find anything wrong with it.  How frustrating is that?  How can I proved that the person pretending to be me is not me?  Perhaps the impostor knows we are on to them though, because the page is down.  Along with another one under "Lilly Eva."

Isn't that just disgusting?  To pose as someone else, and use pictures of their child for what must be some sort of personal gain?  I absolutely can not understand it.

When I started this blog, I actually felt very nervous about going public - making a site that anyone in the world could see.  But I decided I wanted to chronicle Lilly's life publicly so that people could pray for her and also to share information with any one else who had a child with Trisomy 18.  Both of those goals were accomplished and I've met Trisomy parents from all over the world this way.  So I am glad.  But if only there was a way to weed out the wrong people.

Sigh.  At least I am thankful that there was nothing nasty or cruel on the fake Facebook accounts.

Solomon riding big sister's shoulders

Trim Healthy Mama Plan: the easy-does-it approach to vibrant health and a slim waistline by Pearl Barrett & Serene Allison - This book is a condensed and simplified version of the Trim Healthy Mama eating plan.  It really was much easier to understand!  (And it's not just for mamas - the plan works for all men and women too.)  The book thoroughly explains the "satisfying" (protein with fat) and "energizing" (protein with carb) ways to eat.  It also includes helpful chapters for those who like food shortcuts, those who work outside the home, those on a tight budget, pregnant/nursing mamas, those who have trouble losing weight, vegetarians, allergen-free people, etc!  There is also a chapter on exercise and another on skin care. (Several chapters on hormones - which are very helpful - were not included.  You have to get the original book for those - Trim Health Mama.)

The companion cookbook -Trim Healthy Mama Cookbook: Eat Up and Slim Down with More than 350 Healthy Recipes - is excellent.  We have liked everything I've made from it.  And I have many many more recipes to try.  I am not a foodie but even I am inspired to cook by the appealing photos in the book!

Solomon drew a picture of his "Getting-Trim Healthy Mama" ... me!

Clutterfree with Kids:  Change Your Thinking, Discover New Habits, Free Your Home by Joshua Becker -I have days when all the stuff around our house completely overwhelms me to the point of wanting to cry.  Here is our living room on one of those days:

Mr. Inventor surrounded by pieces and parts for his newest creations - and some of little brother's toys

Actually that's our living room on most days - and in the photo it looks better than normal!  Much of the time it doesn't bother me because I am glad that Hunter is busy and learning.  But then I step on little screws or tiny parts with bare feet and it hurts!  Or I can't find a place to sit down for a minute.  Or Solomon can't figure out how to leave the room from where he has become trapped in the corner.  (We're still working on learning to keep walkways!)  Plus our living room just frustrates me because I can't figure out how to arrange the furniture properly.  (Not to long ago, Tabby and I spent part of a Sunday moving furniture all around but really couldn't find a good solution.)

Wah wah wah.  Right?  Clutterfree with Kids is written by a man who is the founder of the website Becoming Minimalist.  After spending way too many years dealing with too much stuff taking up his time, he and his family became minimalists.  They never looked back.  I used to think of minimalists as people that have very bare, stark, boring homes.  But I've learned that there really is a range.  This book is filled with practical application and inspirational stories to help you reevaluate your life and thereby change your thinking, discover new habits, and free your home.  I found the book an interesting and motivational read.

Hunter having fun and doing an experiment checking how water conducts electricity

aluminum foil is hooked to wires which are hooked to some thing he has which includes a battery and beeper - when foil touched the water it made an alarm go off

Recently an incident happened here that showed me - loudly and clearly - CLUTTER LIMITS POSSIBILITIES.  As I keep thinking about that incident, I am super motivated to continue cleaning up and clearing out around here.  I want to keep things that are needed, useful, and that are just pretty and bring me joy.  And of course stuff for Hunter to experiment with!  (And a lot of that can be thrown out after awhile.)

things that aren't useful but are pretty and bring me joy - my glitter churches and reindeer boxes

The more I get rid of excess stuff and clean up the piles around here, the better I feel.  Physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.  I still got a long way to go, but at least I'm going in the right direction.

"For God is not a God of disorder but of peace. . . ." - 1 Corinthians 14:33

Lookin' a lot like Christmas ...

As life has gotten busier over the years, and then adding annual coping with Lilly's death being December 15, I've become pretty "scroogy" about wanting to celebrate Christmas because of all the extra work and stuff involved.  But I hate that I feel that way because my kids don't deserve it.  I am pretty good about keeping how I feel about things inside though, so hopefully they haven't picked up too much on it.  (I know Tabby - I meant the younger two!)  So when Hunter begged me to get out his favorite Christmas decorations, I agreed that we could do that on Sunday.

So all afternoon this past Sunday, Hunter and Solomon and I were busy decorating.  And you know, the pure delight and enthusiasm of my little men, made me very glad that we had done so.  It was really nice too, because now that  Hunter is 7, he was able to actually be a huge help and do a lot himself.  After I hung garland on the railing of "Solomon's portico," Hunter asked if he could hang up some strings of Christmas lights he had.  "Why not?"  I said.  He did a good job!

I borrowed a toy pickup truck that Hunter had inherited from Frank's dad, and put a little bottlebrush tree in it, and set it next to several "Lilly colored" trees:

I really love my glitter churches.  Hunter hooked up inside lighting in them for me and plugged everything in:

When Tabby was young, she collected nutcrackers.  Solomon was so delighted with her collection.  Especially the giant nutcracker whom she called "Heavy Duty Nutcracker."  (She had bought Mr. Heavy Duty at an after Christmas clearance sale with some Christmas money she had when she was 3!)

Solomon found a picture of an edible gingerbread house in a magazine recently and just kept talking about making one.  I splurged at Walmart last week and let the boys each get a kit.  I'm still surprised at just how very thrilling this was for them!  Worth every penny.

I helped Solomon assemble his gingerbread train then he put all the candy on, which was a great hand coordination activity:

As Hunter was working on his gingerbread house, he would periodically exclaim with a laugh that he couldn't believe he was building something that he was actually going to eat!

Last Friday night, Tabby had a piano recital.  She played at the very end, because she was sort of the "grand finale" - her teacher's most advanced student.  She played "Let It Go" (from "Frozen") and a Star Wars Medley.  As is fitting for Tabby's personality, she is a pretty aggressive piano player.  So when she started playing - LOUDLY and confidently - the audience members really took note.  It was fun watching people's expressions from where I sat.  When she was playing the Star Wars medley I saw several fathers and sons poking each other and grinning.  (I really need to get that girl on video!)

Some friends recently gave us a rooster.  Tabby and I thought that "Fowler" was a fitting name because his personality rather seems like that of Fowler in the movie "Chicken Run."  Solomon however, thought he should be named "Bombur" after the really fat dwarf in The Hobbit.  He didn't care when Tabby pointed out that we already had a hen named "Nori Bombur."  So call the rooster whatever.  At least he is very friendly!

One of the items I took out of the attic during my recent big clean out, was a "special needs" chair that Lilly had used.  I thought it would be nice if the chair could bless another little one.  So I asked around in my online Trisomy circles, and was able to find a little girl, who has Trisomy 13, that could use it.  Yay!  Here's a few pictures of Lilly sitting happily in that chair:

I hope Lilly's chair will be a blessing to little Isabel.  Lilly sure loved being able to sit upright in it and watch everything.  I miss you, you chunky little girl!

The Eye of Tabby - photography for the week of November 29

There are some stunning sunsets in this batch of photos that Tabby took.  They remind me, I really need to go outside more in the evening!

30 Days of Thankfulness - Days 28 - 30

I never know what I am going to learn from my kids next.  The other day, the mailbox flag kept falling.  It wouldn't stay up.  I grumbled that maybe I could bend it to stay up or if we couldn't figure out how to do it, then we'd have to buy a new mailbox.  I really wasn't surprised when Hunter said, "Oh I can fix it!"  Then he took me to the mailbox, showed me the area inside the mailbox where you can tighten the flag, and that was that!  It works perfectly now.

OK - I honestly was surprised then.  I guess I had seen that adjustment area in the mailbox before, but I just never paid enough attention to it to think about what it was for and how it worked!

Hunter will probably have that bumper sticker one day that says "Question everything."  Today I asked him what sort of vehicle he wanted when he grew up.  He doesn't know but said it needs to haul a lot of stuff.  Tabby wants a Mustang.  Solomon wants a hot dog truck.  Snicker ...

Day 28 - Cleaning out & organizing:

Last Friday and Saturday, I was able to spend most of those days up in the attic.  The attic was completely trashed!  Holiday decorations, homeschool things, clothes, several bins of Lilly's things, and stuff everywhere.  It made me sick to my stomach to even go up there.

Here's a view of one side - the mess goes all the way to the end:

Friday night, I finally achieved a cleaned out and organized area on the opposite side:

I had 5 boxes and 7 large trash bags of "good stuff" to donate.  And I lost track of how many bags of trash I had.  Plus I got a nice collection of stuff to try and sell on Ebay and/or CraigsList.

I need one more half a Saturday to finish up the remaining messy area in the attic, then I will be done!

It actually surprised me just how good this made me feel mentally.  I mean I don't even go up in the attic much.  But just knowing that it is organized and much of the excessive stuff is gone made me feel "lighter" emotionally and physically.  It really did!  I'm not a minimalist by any means, but keeping too much stuff really can be a burden. 

Day 29 - Hand-me-downs:

While I was in the attic, I was able to "shop" for clothes for Solomon - he's moving up into the 3T size.  Money is extra tight right now, so I feel so blessed to have everything he needed on hand.  The things are a combination of hand-me-downs originally from "JL" - one of my brother's sons, things I bought for Hunter from Walmart (love the affordability of the "Granimals" brand), Ebay, and from friends. 

Here is Solomon dressed for church yesterday: dress shirt that JL wore and then Hunter wore, pants from Ebay, and shoes from a friend:

A fun aside about the shoes - they were originally give to Hunter from my friend Jennifer.  (She gave us a bag of nice clothes her son had outgrown, along with some toys.) Jennifer and I both grew up in the same neighborhood in northern Virginia and were on the same soccer team.  (Her dad was our coach.)  Jennifer moved to this area of N.C. before Tabby and I did.  Some of her children go to the school that Frank works at and that Tabby attends.  Her son practiced with Tabby's cross country team for a bit when the season started.  He and Tabby hit it off and ran at practice together.  They were later shocked to hear that their mom's once walked to school together!  Small world ...

Day 30 - Trim Healthy Mama style eating:

Back in September, I posted that I had realized I had gained weight, and so I went back to the "Trim Healthy Mama" way of eating.  (My post is here.)  I ended up easily losing about 17 pounds in about 3 months.  I realized yesterday that I gained FIVE pounds back over the Thanksgiving holidays.  Goodness!  I didn't think I had eaten that much more.

But I jumped back on the plan today, and know I'll lose that weight quickly.  I'm so thankful for the two sisters that have shared all their knowledge about eating!  (Super condensed version - eat low glycemic foods and for each meal/snack - have a protein with either a fat OR carb - don't mix fats with carbs.)  Pearl Barrett and Serene Allison initially wrote a huge book/cookbook explaining the eating style and more.  Then this past September, they published a simplified version - The Trim Healthy Mama Plan and a separate cookbook - Trim Healthy Mama Cookbook. 

My whole family likes almost every recipe I have made from the cookbook.  I like that the foods are "normal" every day types of things that are easy to prepare.

Right now, my favorite drink from the cookbook is "Good Girl Moonshine."  This drink is so healthy and has a real zing to it.  It is made with apple cider vinegar, ginger, stevia type sweetener, water & ice cubes, and optional extract for flavoring.  The health benefits are numerous:  it is slimming, and a digestive aid.  Plus it "detoxifies, clarifies, and alkalizes your body."  You can get the recipe from their website, here, for free. 

Check out the Trim Healthy Mama store for books, food, and skin care products.  (Note - they have some special Cyber Monday stuff on sale today.  They've had a hard time keeping all their products in stock, as the demand has been so high.  But their book lists alternatives in case you can't, or simply don't want to buy their stuff.  By the way - I really love their sweeteners.

sunrise

This concludes my 30 days of thankfulness.  It was a good exercise for me.  I learned a little about using my new camera - especially that I have A LOT MORE to learn.