Do you think there is too much pressure to have picture perfect holidays here in America? I feel like the media, card industry, that faceless group of "They" ("they say"), Pinterest, etc. - do. What images do you think of when you think of Mother's Day? I think of a mom being served breakfast in bed by happy children as they shower her with homemade cards and gifts and basically spend the whole day being cheerful and doing things for her. Mom gets to lounge around and read and smile and praise her perfectly behaved children. Husband is there to give her some expensive gift and tell her how great she is. And everyone lives happily ever after.
It's sort of ironic that I have that image in my head because it's not something that is realistic - at least in my family! - or really that I particularly desire. For example - I would HATE to have breakfast in bed! Though I would love for everyone to be cheerful and get along for an entire day.
|Special bracelet made for me by Cassie, big sister to T-18 angel Hannah|
Why did it make me feel guilty? Well that is the stage in my grieving process where I'm at. The well documented part of grief where I do not need as many physical reminders of Lilly surrounding me and I don't feel the utter compulsion to pack my family into the car and drive 5 hours (round trip) to Lilly's grave. And that makes me feel guilty. I don't want anyone to think I'm forgetting about her. I don't want her to not be remembered by everyone - to not be important anymore. I don't want HER to somehow find out that I don't need to be as surrounded by as much of her stuff and am therefore forgetting about her. Of course logically, I know that this is a normal way to feel, a couple years into grieving. But sometimes logic doesn't lessen my guilt. And yes, of course I tell myself the standard stuff "Lilly is always with me," "She's always a part of my heart," "It doesn't matter I think of her many times a day," "I will always love her," etc. etc.
I also felt guilty yesterday because I have 3 healthy children and yet still felt a bit of sadness during the day. That made me feel selfish but honestly, I do not see Mother's Day as I used to. After my Lilly-experience, I spend time praying for my friends that have no children yet desire them greatly. For those that have had a long string of miscarriages and yet no living children. For those that have children, of any age, in heaven. Yesterday I prayed repeatedly for a dear friend who was having a miscarriage that very day.
And I of course remembered my one Mother's Day with Lilly. May 2011. Lilly almost died in the hospital and a team of doctors and nurses worked frantically to bring her back - right before my eyes. I watched in frozen horror. Like a scary movie passing before my eyes. But the good news was, they saved her life. Even then, those doctors did not believe Lilly would leave that hospital. But she did and went on to live another 7 months, thank God.
Here is the one picture I have of Lilly and I on Mother's Day:
For a laugh - here is my most recent Mother's Day photo. It is a nice blurry one that Hunter took of screaming Solomon and I yesterday. (Solomon was mad because he wanted the camera.)
Ahhh .. the joys of motherhood. ;)
In spite of the weight of all these feelings yesterday, the day passed well enough. I made one of my favorite treats - chocolate covered coconut snowballs. I spent time outside, both by myself and with my family, and with our ever amusing animals. I planted some babies breath flower seeds in Lilly's garden. I planted marigold seeds in some window boxes, and Frank hung them under chicken coop windows for me.
I researched online another issue Pippin, our new baby goat is having. (Part of his back leg is swollen. But from what I can tell from my research, it is not infected.) Because Pippin is thin and just isn't thriving, Tabby and I attempted to bottle feed him to supplement his nursing. (We figure since he can't walk well he's not able to nurse as frequently as he should be.) Bottle feeding wasn't going well, so yesterday I got the idea to try giving him milk with a syringe. I got out one of Lilly's big syringes like we used for g-tube feeding her, and found it worked very very well. (Thanks Lilly!) I sure hope the little guy does better soon. He's just so cute and has such a good disposition.
Well I probably ought to leave you with a smile instead of thinking "Why did I read such a gloomy post?" So I will share a funny picture of Solomon that Tabby took at Walmart last week. (He is wearing Tabby's sunglasses.)
Tabby has a deactivated iPhone (which she uses as an iPod) and it takes such great quality photos that I am often amazed. It makes me wonder if I should just get one to replace my broken camera with. I'm still trying to decide what to do there. If YOU have a camera which you really like - please tell me about it. Thank you in advance!
"This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it." - Psalm 118:24