Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The amazing subconscious level
This past Sunday, so many things made me want to cry but I wasn't sure why. In the evening I was sorting through stacks of Lilly pictures, a project that I had been working on a little each day all week. All week long I found myself smiling at the pictures. But Sunday they all just made me want to cry. Especially Lilly's big smile in the first picture I posted today. She was soooooooo beautiful!!!
Why? What was different? I mean there are up and down days. And I need a "cleansing cry" every once in awhile. But I couldn't figure it out.
Then Monday morning, Julia's mom posted that she missed her little girl and it was the 4 month anniversary of Julia's passing.
That was it! I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about the date on Sunday. It was the 15th! (Lilly died December 15, one day before Julia.)
That actually made me feel better to understand what was going on. I share this not for sympathy, but honestly I find it amazing, absolutely amazing, how even when we don't consciously think about something, our subconscious mind still does.
I remembered a post by Caleb's mom where she said she woke up one day feeling really down. It wasn't until a bit later that she looked at the calendar and realized why. It was the anniversary day of her son's death. So this is "normal."
I have heard from so many people that the days in general will get easier. But that anniversaries (death date, birthday, etc.) can remain hard. I'm sure everyone reading this has lost someone they are close to and find themselves thinking about that person more as an anniversary approaches. We Americans like to build up and even glorify birthdays and holidays. But I can see it can make it harder sometimes.
My intention for my family is that we create special traditions for Lilly's birthday and angel day anniversaries. My daughter T. and I have been talking about ideas. Often we can find comfort in traditions, so over time I think these expressions would be very positive.
I took the photos that I posted today shortly after we returned from Florida last November, after Lilly's heart surgery. I used the last photo on the front of thank you cards I made for several of Lilly's doctors. (Her cardiologist, the surgeons, the nurses - I think it's important to thank people, and I also wanted to encourage them to help any future children with Trisomy 18 they came in contact with.) And also Lilly's obituary.
Finally, I wanted to share two posts by Hannah Grace's mom that I found very touching. (Hannah is a little girl that lived two months with Trisomy 18.) In the first, she share her reflection, regarding Hannah, in light of this scripture:
"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." - John 9:1-3
In the other post, Hannah's mom shares a thought on losing Hannah, and what is to come, after posting this scripture:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18