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The story of our precious little girl's 17 months of life with Trisomy 18 (July 4, 2010 - December 15, 2011) and of us, re-learning to live "after Lilly."
"I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made ...." Psalm 139:14

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Battling fear

Do you ever get so scared about something you can barely breathe?  I have.  Many times during Lilly's life.  And a number of times in the past few days.

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6 

Yes God, I know.  But ...

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7

Yes God, I'm thankful but ...

"Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:31

Thank you God, but ... but ...

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." - Psalm 56:3

Oh God, I'm really failing with the trust thing.  :(

You see Solomon is sick.  He has a cough.  And a cold.  Not really a big deal is it?  We all get colds.  Many people get colds often throughout a year.  So why is Solomon's cold scaring me?


(Photo - Mother's Day 2011.  After Lilly almost died. The nurses and doctors had brought her back.)

Though today is better, for the past few days there has been a war in my mind.  A battle between fear and trusting God.  Fear of what?  Fear of losing another child.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what is coming next.  Fear of making a terrible terrible mistake that affects someone else.

Solomon's cold is bad.  And when he gets agitated, his breathing can be very erratic.  There will be pauses between breaths.  I found myself often lifting his shirt to see if he was retracting.  I kept remembering how Lilly would begin doing that during a sickness, and then things could get frightening very quickly.  I listened to Solomon's chest, lungs, heart several times - with Lilly's stethoscope - just to make sure they weren't "crackly" or "junky" like her's would get.  I sat under a big towel with him, inhaling steaming water with essential oils in it, to open his breathing. I wondered if he needed oxygen instead. Gave him hot baths with the healing salts I made mixed in.  I wondered if I needed medicine so I could use Lilly's nebulizer on him.  I used Lilly's "super snot sucker" on his nose (wow does he hate it!) and thought about the suction machine at the hospital. 

The hospital.  I kept wondering if he needed to go to the emergency room.  Growing up I only went to the emergency room once as a child.  This just wasn't something that my family needed to do.  But it became normal for Lilly and that got me used to it.  I asked my husband if he thought we needed to take Solomon.  He answered what I knew deep down - no we did not.

This is a common cold.  Solomon is going to be OK.  See that?  He was even smiling some when I talked to him.  Or spoon fed him some homemade organic chicken broth.  I am doing everything I can to help him heal quickly.  And most importantly - I keep badgering the Lord with my petitions to heal my baby.  And ... if he does need to go to the hospital ... let me see that clearly.

"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." - Psalm 91:4

Lord, I know you are there.

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:4

Lord, you hear me.  I wish I were stronger. Please help my faith to grow.

You answer me in so many ways.  In my life.  Over and over.

Lilly, just a few days after almost dying that Mother's Day:

And a week later, ready to leave the hospital.  She lived well another 7 months.

Solomon, just a day before getting sick, sporting a mashed avocado moustache and goatee.

I'm trusting God my little boy will be smiling like this again soon.

What do YOU do when your trust needs "sharpening"?


  1. you wrote:

    "What do YOU do when your trust needs "sharpening"?

    I READ "JESUS CALLING" and then seek the Lord.
    ALWAYS works!

  2. I can't imagine what you must go through on a daily basis. I am proud of you.
    Thanks for sharing. xxoo

  3. This is such an excellent post. I have struggled with fear over this new baby and I am encourage to read your post today. Praying for you and Solomon.