Part of a continuing series on my pregnancy with Lilly.
Shortly after that 2nd heart ultrasound, I went to an appointment with my midwife M. (I was about 35 weeks.) I asked her if she could give me a guess to my baby's size and weight. She began pressing on my belly. Then her face said it all. She did try to keep composed but I caught that flash across her face. She said the baby was small. VERY small. Yes my belly was big, but most of it was fluid. She could feel Lilly's head and rear and they were just so very small.
M. wanted another ultrasound scheduled right away and went and called the doctor herself. He must have been much more concerned that he let on to my husband and I, because he told her that he had been thinking about me and wanting to follow up to see what was happening. (I had been given an appointment for genetic counseling but cancelled it figuring it wasn't necessary since it wouldn't change anything. But because I had cancelled that appointment, I had "fallen through the cracks.")
M. got an appointment scheduled for me for a few days later. She said we needed as much information about the baby as we could, so we could have a plan. Or else I wouldn't have any control in the hospital once the baby was born.
I felt like I was in shock when I left. This was the point when it hit me that YES something was really wrong. Before I just told myself that ultrasounds aren't 100% conclusive and that all this would turn out OK. (I always try to think positively.) I called my husband from the parking lot and remember crying for the first time. This baby was too small.