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The story of our precious little girl's 17 months of life with Trisomy 18 (July 4, 2010 - December 15, 2011) and of us, re-learning to live "after Lilly."
"I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made ...." Psalm 139:14

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Possible help if you're feeling a bit - or a lot! - crazy

Are you feeling out of sorts?  Depressed?  No motivation?  More irritable than you ever remember?  Flashes of anger for no good reason?  Crying about anything and everything? And sooooo very tired?

OK - maybe I am was the only one.  I've been meaning to write this post for months, in case it helps another woman out there reading this.  But I think I was holding back because well - don't we all want everyone to think we have it all together?  I'm "super mama" right?  (OK - even I'm laughing at that one.)

I felt like I lived on a roller coaster of emotions throughout Lilly's life.  That, however, was "normal."  Anyone loving and caring for their super special needs baby that is not even statistically supposed to be alive knows that.

Statistics?  I didn't follow statistics!
And then God called our Lilly girl home.  It still hurts my heart more terribly than I can say.  I still cry at times and I think about Lilly many times every day.  Roller coaster grieving.  But, I actually think my grieving is "normal."  Maybe even a little better since I never went through the "anger" stage so many speak of.   And maybe that is because I take immense comfort in knowing Lilly is safe and waiting for me.

Solomon and I tell Lilly & Jesus "hi" every morning

Nine months to the day that Lilly died, our rainbow baby Solomon entered the scene.  I felt healing begin as soon as I held him in my arms.

Three weeks later we moved to our Lilly colored farmhouse.  And I began to fall apart.  (There I admitted it.  I have failed in my life long aspirations to be "practically perfect" like Mary Poppins.  Seriously.  I love perfection.) 

When you have a new baby, you are supposed to rest as much as possible.  Hormones are going crazy as the body recovers from childbirth and adapts to being a mama of a new baby.  Too much physical exertion too soon causes more hormonal havoc.  So did I rest?  Not at all.  Remember our move?  Funny how God dropped our "dream house and property" in our laps at that time.  (And that's not "funny ha-ha.")  I had a house to unpack and a new baby that wanted to be held at all times.  It was rather overwhelming.

I think it took about 6 weeks to unpack everything, get pictures hung, etc.  But instead of feeling all better with relief, I felt relief without feeling all better.   I had days where everything made me cry.  I didn't feel motivated to do anything.  I felt very depressed.  And I remember feeling more irritable than I ever felt in my life.  I had to literally bite my tongue many times to keep from exploding I just felt so mad at everyone and everything.  Irrational irritability and anger.

Looking back I'm amazed at how well I held it together on the outside because my inside was such a mess.  I often said to Frank, "I don't know who I am!"  or "This is not me!" and asked him to please pray for me.  I didn't know if it was hormonal issues from post-pregnancy, or grieving for Lilly, or what.  Very confusing.

I told my friend C. about it one day when she called.  I said I supposed I was having postpartum depression of a sort.  C. had gotten to a bad place mentally right after her twin girls were born.  She shared with me about a book that she said changed all that around for her.  It is called Female Brain Gone Insane: An Emergency Guide for Women Who Feel Like They Are Falling Apart by Mia Lundin.  (Yes the title is pretty extreme sounding - the author admits that too!)  C. said if she ever felt those problems returning, there was an amino acid she could take and feel better very quickly.

I ordered the book and read it as quick as I could when I got it.  The author discusses "emotional symptoms and issues associated with hormone and brain-chemistry imbalances."  I was amazed at how well some of my symptoms were described.  The book is divided into three parts.  The first looks at "The Science Behind the Insanity and the Solution."  The second is "Four Steps to Sanity--Your Emotional Rescue Plan."  The third is "Supplementary Steps for Adrenal and Thyroid Support."

I dutifully filled out the charts and ended up in the "combination type" category.  This meant I needed to take something to calm my brain down, then a few weeks later add another supplement to make me more alert and motivated.  I ordered the 4 amino acids that the author recommended figuring I'd give it a shot.

Fast forward to about 5 weeks after taking all the amino acid supplements daily, I felt ... AWESOME!  Just like I used to in the past.  I felt calm and focused and motivated.  YAY!  I was actually really amazed that it worked.

I am continuing to take the same supplements - I'm actually afraid to stop.  But I've cut back on the dosage and still feel good most days.  (We all have frustrating days at times - amino acids or not!)

I'm so thankful to the Lord for answering my prayers - through amnio acids!

"But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." - 1 Corinthians 15:57

I highly recommend this book to women of all ages and stages of life.  It just feels so good to feel good!  :)


  1. I am so sorry Lisa, that I have not "been there" for you. I wish I could. And I wish I knew how. I just cannot imagine what you have been through.

    So glad you found help. xxoo

    1. Thank you for your honesty and for the information. You described me and I will be ordering the book. I will continue to pray for you and your family and I am very grateful to Ninny for introducing me to you and your family. Angie

    2. Awww, thanks Nikki. I don't think anyone could have done anything to help. I was so depleted and out of whack inside. Things are so much better now. :)

      Angie - I hope you find the book as helpful as I did and you are feeling better before long!